


Alex and His Stupid Ass

by Moonstone215



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex sends a naughty, Crack, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, Office AU, What The Fuck Am I Writing, sneaky bois
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26575147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonstone215/pseuds/Moonstone215
Summary: Alex's stupid ass accidently sends his rival, Thomas the Tank engine, a picture of his actual ass. He enlists the help of his office friends to help him get rid of it.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Alex and His Stupid Ass

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack asf story. No detailed smut or kissing here so you horny or fluff people go find some porn or people cuddling fanfiction instead. Also I write terribly so my bad. 
> 
> 99% of Audience: groans and presses back button
> 
> Enjoy 1% ;)

"Psst. Hey! Burr!"

"Shut up Hamilton. Im trying to work."

"But don't you want to see me deep throat my pen?"

"Quite frankly, if Im being honest with you, **NO."**

 **"** Burr! You are _going to watch me deep throat my pen and you are going to like it you **little bald headed shit."**_

" **MR WASHINGTON!!"**

"For goodness sakes Burr, _**WHAT?!"**_

Their boss George Washingmachine stepped out of his office for the 15th time today. Burr jabbed his skinny ass bony finger at the short man across from him.

"Hamilton is distracting me from my work!"

"I am **not**! Look! Im just typing and uh... _typing_."

Alex slammed his hands against the keyboard, looking at his boss' ' _Are you going to stop deep throating shit?_!' look instead of the actual screen. 

"Just... play Roblox and let Aaron finish his work Alex. I know you have no life and already finished all of your own work at home. So _behave."_

George sent him a warning look before he stomped back inside his office and slammed the door. Alex sighed and turned his eyes back to his screen, set on playing Minecraft instead because he got banned from Roblox for cursing at some 8 year old for spelling incorrectly. However, something made his blood freeze and sent his lazy half lidded eyes into the size of big saucers. 

"Oh my god.."

"What?"

Laurens piped up from behind Burr's chair, having quietly been there the whole time since he was a fan of watching Alex deep throat shit on his desk.

"My fanfiction only got 36 kudos for 40,000 words whereas this other one I wrote when i was 9 only has a few thousand words and has around 80 kudos! What bullshit is this?!"

"Ha. No one likes your shit writing."

Peggy commented as she hurried pass their cubicles to take a massive shit in the bathroom. Alex hacked at the massive fart she left behind before he slammed his head dramatically onto his keyboard.

"Everyone on this website is an idiot."

"Wow. Fuck you then."

John glared up from his phone, his finger paused above the screen as he was in the middle of reading a 4273 word fanfiction.

"No thanks. We are both bottoms. Now if you will excuse me, I got someone's minecraft dog to ki- HOLY SHIT!"

"Alexander, will you shut the fuck up?! I will call Washington again I swear!"

Burr hissed, his pen snapping in half at the scream that nearly left him deaf.

" **NO FUCK YOU BURR. IM SERIOUS! LAURENS, QUICK! CALL LAFAYETTE AND PEGGY'S SISTERS OVER HERE. BURR FUCK OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET YO LITTLE BILL LOOKIN ASS OVER HERE NOW!"**

Laurens nodded quickly and bolted out of his chair, knowing that when Alex used that tone, he was not fucking around. Aaron Burr also seemed to wise up too, getting up from his seat and sprinting his way to Alex's side with no arguements or yells for Washington.

"What is it?!"

" **I FORGOT MY MINECRAFT PASSWORD!** "

"What?! You interrupted me for some stupid ass minecraft account?! Oh Im going to shove my foot down your throat-!"

" **BITCH THAT ISN'T MY ONLY EMERGENCY! I ACCIDENTLY SENT A PICTURE OF MY ASS TO JEFFERSHIT!** "

"WHat?! You did?! aHAHAHAHA!"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR ASS?!"

Peggy yelled after she ran back from the bathroom due to hearing Burr's laughter. Burr laughing usually meant that he either found another black bald person to tell his boring jokes to or someone's career was about to be over. Peggy didn't mind either. But if it was her homie Alex, then that's a different story.

" **I WANTED TO SEE IF I HAD A PIMPLE ON MY ASS CHEEK. I DID BY THE WAY! WHAT DO I DO?!"**

"What's going on?! Alex, did you get banned from another game again?! I swear, you have to stop cursing out little kids-!"

Eliza started, already looking done with his shit. Laurens, Angelica, and Lafayette stood behind her. 

" **NO YOU GUYS! I ACCIDENTLY SENT A PICTURE OF MY ASS TO JEFFERSON!** "

"WHAT?!"

"CAN'T YOU DELETE IT?!"

"Have you tried turning it off and on?"

Lafayette helpfully added, tapping the corner of the computer. Alex nodded, not really paying attention to all of them as he was quickly forming a plan in his head. Being a genius, of course, he got it in just 30 seconds.

" **ALRIGHT! EVERYONE SHUT IT!** "

Alex yelled, the sound of laughter and unhelpful tips coming to a sudden stop. 

"Now. I got a plan. And it is very simple. Even you can understand it Burr."

Burr sent him a dirty look but he continued anyways.

"Now here it is. You guys distract Jefferwhore. I will snatch his phone from him and delete it from there. Got it?"

"Wait what do I get from this?! I got work to do Hamilton! Do you want me to tell Washington again?!"

"Okay Burr! Shut the fuck up! Stop being a snitch and _t_ _hink_ for a second! If Im gone because of the blackmail Jefferdick is going to send out, who is going to massage your bald head every Wednesday at 3:00?!"

"Fuck. Oh alright! Fine!"

Burr bitched, crossing his arms. Alex smiled at his success before he turned to Lafayette.

"Where's your doppleganger?!"

"Well. I last saw him in the lounge making instant mac and cheese."

"Disgusting. Alright gang, lets move out!"

Alex stood up from his desk and walked to the direction of the lounge, the group of 6 following behind him. 

~◇~

"And then I said Bitch! I totally grew 8 inches! And then SHE said... Mr. Jefferson, take off those high heels, this is your 4th checkup with them on. Like whaaa?!"

Jefferson's cocky voice made Alex cringe as he hovered next to the entrance of the employee lounge. It's effects were the equivalent of hearing a fork being dragged across a chalkboard. He heard Madison's deep grunts of acknowledgement of Thomas' stupid story which meant that they had to get Madison to fuck off as well. He kicked Burr's ankle and jerked his head to the duo when Aaron's glare burned the side of his face.

"Get Madison to fuck off. John, go stroke his ego with Lafayette. Make sure that it requires him to take out his phone but not check it's contents. We can't do the plan if we don't even know where the hell his phone is."

His friends nodded and bolted inside, Burr hesitating in his spot before he blew a big breath of air out of his mouth and marched inside after them.

"Oh this should be _good!_ "

Angelica whispered, rubbing her hands together. Eliza snickered in agreement and shushed her.

"Mr. Jefferson!"

John called out, stepping in between him and Madison. Madison looked grateful for the interruption, his best friend's stories usually made no sense and he would have faked a coughing attack again if he didn't finish his story soon.

" ** _What?!_** Can't you see Im talking with Madison here? And who let Burr inside again?"

Thomas sniffed, looking at them as if they were all annoying ass mosquitos. Minus Lafayette, who he sent a nod to. 

"I need Madison for something. Come on sir."

Burr pulled his sleeve and surprisingly, Madison did not question it. He would take Burr wasting his time then Jefferson having a boner over himself anytime. 

"Well Mr. Jefferson. I.. uh... wheres your phone-yeOW!"

"What Laurens _meant_ to say was that we wanted to know what type of phone you have. I heard Alex has an iphone 11!"

Lafayette nervously chuckled, practically feeling Jefferson tense up and Alex cringing over the words IPhone and his own name in the same sentence. Alexander Hamilton was **_n_** _ **o** _basic bitch. 

"Well! That little gremlin got **_nothing_** on me! I have the Iphone 12! See?!"

Thomas pulled out his magenta cased phone and shoved it in Laurens' face. Laurens took a step back and gaped at his reflection. He didn't know the 12 was out yet! He knows his own iphone 5 was trembling in fear. 

"Wow! Neat! Well thank you mon ami. I will see you later!"

Lafayette rushed, pulling Laurens to the exit. Jefferson raised an eyebrow at their hurried exit before he shoved his phone back inside his pocket and turned to his instant mac and cheese that waited for him inside the microwave.

"Come to papa!"

~♧~

"ITS IN HIS POCKET!"

"HE HAS AN IPHONE _**12**_ **ALEX! SHIT HE'S LOADED! IT'S DEEP INSIDE HIS POCKET WHAT DO WE DO?! WE CAN'T-** "

" **ALRIGHT! I KNOW, I WAS LITERALLY AT THE DOORWAY! NOW LET ME THINK!** "

Alex screamed, ending Lafayette's and Lauren's near panic attack sessions. He swears, he was going to get one if he didn't stop their screams soon.

"Alex. Chill."

He calmed his hunched shoulders at Eliza's light touch and nodded, releasing the rest of the tension he had all over his body.

"Thanks boo. Now, I think I got it. I read this crazy fact online that if you lick someone's elbow when they aren't paying attention, they won't feel it. So, if you guys can distract Jefferson again, I can grab his phone from his pocket without him feeling anything! Smart, huh?"

Alex put his hands on his hips proudly, his other friends stupidly agreeing minus Angelica and Eliza. They knew that plan was garbage but they kind of wanted to see if it would work so they didn't shoot his idea down or voiced their concerns. Also, Alex would argue over literally everything so it was really just a waste of time to go against his ideas. Except for Jefferson, who seemed to adore wasting his time arguing over what goes first when it came to cereal and milk with Hamilton in the middle of the afternoon. 

"Alright, who wants to distract him this time?"

"All of us will. Jefferson is an eagle. He needs as much attention as a dying hospital patient does so that he doesn't notice you grabbing his fancy Iphone12."

"Right. Alright, go find him guys. I'll be right behind you."

~♤~

"Heey Jefferson! Is that a new haircut?"

Thomas paused on the way back to his office, again raising a trimmed eyebrow at the random question. No one ever wanted to get to know him as much as today. He basically already lets them know everything with his bragging and flaunting.

"Excuse me?"

He turned to Peggy, crossing his arms against his chest. Peggy didn't deter at his action at all.

"I said if you got a new haircut. Try to pay attention."

Peggy couldn't help her annoyance seep out. Talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. 

"Well no. I did not get a new haircut. Why -?"

"Wow Thomas! Is that a new haircut?"

Angelica came up from behind her sister, whistling as she looked up and down at him. Thomas scowled but then he smiled politely. Curse his southern manners.

"No Angelica. I did not get a haircut. Why- Does my hair look shorter?!"

He suddenly panicked, quickly shooting his hands up to touch his afro. 

"What are we standing around here for- Oh! Wow! Your skin is very clear Thomas! What do you use?"

Eliza joined next, making Thomas quickly forget his hair in favor of grinning like a madman. Finally, someone noticed. 

"Well my dear. I use- Hello Laurens. Lafayette. What brings you here?"

Thomas wasn't suprised when he turned his eyes away for a second and returned them to see Laurens and Lafayette stare at him as if he were the most interesting thing in the universe. He would usually beam if someone did that but there was something suspicious going on. His office co workers were never interested in his life to begin with. Why now?

"Don't mind us. We were just passing through and wanted to see what this crowd was all about."

"Oui. Also, I would like to know what you use on your skin as well!"

They smiled innocently, making Thomas sigh. Well he had to please the crowd, right? Plus, what harm could they be doing anyways? They gave him the chance to gloat so he was going to steal it.

"Well then. Alright. Anyways, for my skin I start with-"

Alex rolled his eyes at the millions of brands Thomas was naming at once. Did he really have nothing better to do than to waste his money trying to look hot? Not that Alex thought he was hot, Jefferson looked like a snake even with his clear skin.

'Alright, his pocket is right there!'

He entered the hallway from behind Jefferson, seeing his friends spare him a glance before they looked back up at Jefferson. Seriously, that dude was a giant. He was taller than all of them, a head taller than Lafayette, the tallest in their group minus Hercules. But even Hercules, who worked in a tailor shop, was a good 3 inches shorter than Jefferson. 

He slowly inched closer to the magenta snake, wincing at the floor boards creaking. Jefferson was currently going over each individual brand and how he applied them in measured portions. 

'Prissy.'

Alex scoffed quietly, finally close enough to smell his expensive ass cologne. He nearly coughed at the overwhelming smell, tilting his head away from it as he reached out his hand. 

'He seriously has to get weaker cologne that won't make my lungs collapse.'

"So take 1/4 of a pea sized portion and then-"

Thomas flinched suddenly, making them all panic as he was about to divert his attention to the frozen hand in his pocket.

" **THOMAS! I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!"**

He snapped his head to Peggy's outburst, quickly forgetting whatever distracted him to look at her with interest.

"You do? Who is it?! I don't blame them, I am fucking _**hot**_!"

He smugly smiled, flipping his curly hair back. Peggy helplessly looked to Eliza, who strained her smile.

"Peggy. I told you not to tell _him!_ "

She blushed from the embarassment of having to be the one to fake the crush rather than actually liking him. Thomas took the blush as the 2nd implication however and awkwardly blinked.

"Oh."

He stupidly responded, rubbing his hand up and down his other arm. Eliza never really spoke with him other than a few small talks here and there. They were acquaintances at best and he really never thought of her like that at all.

"HELLO JEFFERSON! HOW ARE YOU SIR? WHAT IS THIS CROWD?!"

Burr's loud voice cut in through the silence, making Jefferson and basically everyone else want to kiss him on the spot for doing so. Well, not literally. No one wanted to kiss Burr. _Ever._

"I was just going over my beauty routine with this very pleasant crowd! Care to join us?"

"Um. Sure! Just let me go bring this box of tissues back to Madison in my office and then I can-"

"No need Burr. Before you ran out like you planted a bomb in the room, I wanted to tell you that I need a specific brand of tissues since regular ones- Hey, why is Hamilton reaching into your pocket?"

Madison appeared behind Burr and raised his eyebrow. Thomas widened his eyes, snapping his head down to see a hand with his magenta phone quickly disappear from his sight.

" _ **What-**_ **?!** "

" **RUN HAMMY! RUNN!** "

Laurens screamed, launching himself onto Jefferson's legs. Jefferson squacked and tried to turn around but he felt more arms wrap around himself.

" **THIS WAS ALL A SCHEME, WASN'T IT?! HAMILTON!! LET GO OF ME YOU MIDGETS!** "

~♡~

It was like that scene from Monster Inc where that terrifying spider boss was chasing Sully and Boo while screaming " **HAND ME THE CHILD!** " Only this time, it was a fucking magenta giant who was currently being slowed down by a group who were quickly loosing their grips on him. Alex huffed as he ran down another hallway, hearing Jefferson's screams and promises of murder echo around the building. Stupid Madison and his special tissues. Stupid Burr who didn't lock him in his office. _Stupid Jefferson who cared too much about his stupid Iphone 12._

"Androids are better!" 

He whispered harshly to himself, finally catching sight of his office. He turned his gaze to his boss' slightly opened door, which quickly slammed shut with a lock at the sound of Jefferson screaming in the distance. He knew better than to intervene with their sexual tension games. 

"Aha! I made it!"

He cheered, grabbing the doorknob and twisting it. The feeling of it not obeying his command wiped the smile off of his face.

_Locked._

"Oh _no no NO!_ "

He shoved the phone into his small ass pocket and started patting himself for his keys. He kept patting and patting, finally feeling their outline just as Jefferson's huge figure rounded around the corner at the other side of the hall. _All by_ _himself._

"HAMILTON! GIVE. ME. _MY. PHONE!_ "

He ran quickly with his large meaty legs down the hall, making Alex fumble with the key and the lock. He screeched when the familiar scent of cologne reached his nose, shoving the key into the slot and throwing his office door open. He ran inside and proceeded the slam the door shut, a big foot quickly stopping it from closing fully.

" _LET ME THROTTLE YOU! JUST WAIT TIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU! YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK SO GOOD WITH NO OXYGEN IN YOUR LUNGS YOU-!_ "

They struggled with the door, Alex clearly starting to lose when it started to creak more open. Though it pains him to admit it, Jefferson could probably pick him up with his least dominant arm and throw him like a football if he wanted to. He only hasn't done so because Mr. Washington would have his head for it.

"FUCK!"

He yelled, suddenly letting go of the door and having what felt like 2,000 pounds of steel crash into him. They both fell to the floor, Alex's breath becoming lost as he wheezed from the weight on top of him. He tried to get up but hands quickly darted to his wrists and pinned them above his head.

"Oh no. You are not going anywhere! Why did you steal my phone? Huh?! Are you really so stupid as to steal from me?! Just wait til the next cabinet meeting, I will expose your ass!"

"Get off of me!"

Alex snapped, starting to feel heat pool in his cheeks. Their position would have made people think that Jefferson was raping him in his own office. 

"Why? Feeling uncomfortable? Well little thiefs don't get special treatment."

Thomas taunted, making Alex roll his eyes. Leave it to Thomas to make him look like a full on criminal. 

"Now. I will be taking my phone and you are going to tell me why you snatched it from me. Okay?"

"Fuck yourself!"

"That's a good boy."

He sarcastically drawled, shifting his left hand to hold his wrists down while his right hovered down to his pocket. Alex growled in warning when the hand didn't retract right away, making Jefferson look boredly at him. He really acted like a stray cat sometimes. 

"Oh shut up. No one wants to touch your _sacred_ dick. Now tell me why the fuck you snatched my phone."

Thomas quickly got off of him and wiped himself free of Alex's immigrant germs. He disgustingly turned his nose up at him as if he were lower than dirt and shut the door to office shut with a lock. There went his chance of freedom.

"I- I hated your phone and I was going to destroy it."

He lied, sitting up from the floor he rarely cleaned. Jefferson towered over him, looking at him with a blank look before he huffed and rolled his eyes.

"Im not as stupid as your garbage ideas Hamilton. Tell me the trut- Did you text me a picture?"

Thomas suddenly looked interested as he darted his eyes to look at Hamilton before returning them back to the notification on his screen. Hamilton froze, not gracing him with a response, as Thomas' look of interest quickly turned to the most shit eating grin he had ever seen on him.

"You sent me a picture of one of your fanarts of Eliza and Maria, didn't _you?!_ AHA! I can't believe it! I- AHAHA!"

He started to roar with his annoying laughter, bending down to clutch his stomach. Alex gritted his teeth and glared in the meanwhile. No one had the right to laugh at him like that. _Especially Jefferdick._

In one quick move, he snatched the phone from the laughing man's hands and slammed it to the floor. It smashed into pieces, making the laughter stop and having Alex suddenly feel regret.

"Oops."

He commented stupidly, not taking a look at Jefferson as he quietly inched to the door. In one swipe, he unlocked the door and ran out, not once looking behind him. He didn't hear running footsteps from behind him so he finally released the breath he was holding and found his friends still sprawled down on the floor.

"Guys! Home! _Now_!"

He hissed, helping Eliza up. They did not question his urgency, picking themselves up and rushing to the elevator. Alex slammed his fist onto the first floor button and relaxed against Lafayette's chest once the doors close. He'll have to ask Washington to make him work from home for a couple of months until Jefferson cooled down and got a new phone.

~☆~

"Letter for Mr. Hamilton!"

"Coming!"

Alex yelled, banging his mouse over the incoming minecraft spiders attacking him. He huffed when the GAME OVER screen flashed at his face and got up from his seat. He had finished all of his work in the first week of his stay at home work vacation so he had taken to playing survival mode on Minecraft and sending angry emails to Roblox about lifting their ban off of him. He rubbed his aching pimple ass and headed to the door of his apartment, swinging it open.

"This is for smashing my phone."

A fist landed in his midsection, making him wheeze and fall to the floor. He barely made sight of two pairs of feet, one wearing a pair of stylish black boots and the other one wearing worn out sneakers. 

"Thanks boy. Here's your tip."

"Thank you Mr. Jefferson."

The sneakers vanished from his sight on the floor, the black boots coming closer followed by the door shutting behind them.

"And this is for the pimple on your butt cheek. Seriously, take care of that. It nearly killed my boner."

A box of cream hit his face but he was too busy spluttering and blushing to notice it. He tried to pick himself and failed, retracting his arms back to his stomach. That punch hurted like a _**bitch**_. He couldn't even bring himself to speak. 

"Oh come on. _Get up_."

Strong arms wrapped around him and scooped him up. He was placed on his feet, which wobbled a bit before he fell again. Thomas caught him this time though, sighing and dragging him to his couch.

"I had to buy a new Iphone you know. Thankfully, Im not an idiot like you and I managed to get _all_ my messages back."

He explained, throwing him none too gently onto his ugly brown couch. Alex groaned in response, raising one arm to put over his eyes.

"This is going to bruise tomorrow.."

He muttered, feeling the couch shift at the new weight being added to it. 

"Oh stop being a baby. I'll get you ice later. Now, I didn't just come to punch you in the gut."

"Really? Because it seems like it!"

He glared at the ceiling, too lazy to even look at Jefferson's stupid face. The guy was loaded, it wouldn't hurt his wallet to buy a new phone. He probably killed his poop baby with that swing he threw too. Asshole. 

"I.. I was thinking..."

Thomas hesitated, making Alex bolt into a sitting position. Jefferson? Hesitating? _At him?!_

"That's dangerous."

Alex chuckled at his dirty look, feeling smug that he got the famous Thomas Jefferson at a loss of words around him.

"Fine. You want to be a little bitch?! I was thinking about how _fucking good_ your ass would look in my bed. How about that?!"

"No homo, right?"

Leave it to Hamilton to be immature about his advances. He snickered wildly at him, wincing as the bounce of his body made his midsection explode with pain. Still, that didn't stop him from erupting into full blown laughter, tears of pain mixing with his very amused expression.

" _ **Hamilton** -!_"

" **AHA! YOU GAY AS FUCK! YOU GAY ASS IOS BASIC BITCH PUNK AS-MPHKSDIDI**!"

He groaned as a punch landed again in his midsection. There went his poop baby's twin. He seriously got to sue Jefferson for his miscarriages. Not for assault, the hits were fucking hot. Painful but it did stir something in him. 

"So... sex now?"

Thomas asked, suddenly pulling his crippled form close to him. 

"Sure. Let me just... take a big shit first."

He farted and dashed to the bathroom before he could get punched again. He locked the door to block out Thomas' yells of anger and disgust as he snickered and took out the new Magenta cased Iphone 12 he managed to pick out of the other's pocket.

"Ha he has the picture of my ass saved in his favorite folder and... is that my Eliza x Maria fanart in there?!"

**Author's Note:**

> God Damnit! Not Alex's Minecraft password!


End file.
